51/50

Working with social workers and in an environment where the term ’51/50′ is said at least 4 or 5 times a month, knowing on a superficial level how the process works – doesn’t provide ease or a sense of comfort in the end.  You can only do so much to have the 51/50 be successful, and then once successful…you have 72 hours for their to be a determination that your loved one DOES need the emotional help. 

What does a family do during the 51/50 hold.  Where do they go for support?  Where are the groups for the loved ones?  The fun game of ‘hurry up and wait’ starts…the clock starts ticking and all you can do is try to go thru the daily steps of your life.  Try to remain calm, try to keep those two steps forward you have taken just that…step forward. 

Thankfully the heave hoe movement that I started is making positive progress for my mom.  Originally concerned she would resent the step I took to force my only brother into the direction of dealing with what is slowly killing him, my mother seemed anxious to find the next steps to take.   My goal today – write him a short, yet supportive, note to drop off during my lunch hour.  No visit, no face-to-face – just the written word (yes written, no computer typed BS) of my support.  I’m in his corner, always. 

While sitting in the dentist chair for 3 hours and 15 minutes finishing up the root canal and prepping two teeth for crowns I couldn’t help but think about my brother.  What is he doing right now?  How does he feel?  Does he know that I care, and that the actions that took place were because…unlike he believes…my life would not precede as normal if he were to die.  Regardless of how he were to die – my life would NOT be normal, ever. 

Saturday night at 7:00 pm I may be able to give my brother a hug, if he allows me and wants me to, and tell him I’m happy to see him.  I’m happy that he is still here.  I’m happy he is my brother. 

If not Saturday…14 days later…

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