when is ‘enough is enough’

for me…last night…

for my mom…is uncertain…

How long do you have to watch as your child, your ‘baby’ that is now 27 years old but stuck at 18, continues to struggle.  Two steps forward, one and a half steps back.  Emotionally unable to deal with the demons that haunt him.  Hides his pain in any bottle of booze he can get his hands on – resorting to drinking your wine because he has no money or other way to get the alcohol he really wants.  Two steps forward, one and a half steps back.  Pleades his case, while so intoxicated he can barely stand, that all he wants to do is die.  Fortells the future that if/when he takes his own life, in six months – no one will care.  Rails that he is worth nothing – a 27-year-old man that lives at home…a ‘loser’.  Two steps forward, one and a half steps back.

“Working” to obtain a job, but not truly working at it all.  “Working” to get back into school, but not really giving it the all – backing out when feeling challenged and finding that it isn’t easy and he will have to work at it.  Taking one small course load for one semester, and then ‘taking the summer off’.  Two steps forward, one and a half steps back.

How does the oldest child cope?  How does the only other sibling for this tortured soul cope?

I stopped the cylce of manipulation and avoidance last night – I called the Police, I had him taken to the emergency room – spating obsenities and slurs while being cuffed and put onto the gurney, I’m trying to get him ‘commited’.  I can only hope that the ‘suicidal’ brother that reared his head last night still remains when being analzyed once his blood alcohol level reaches ‘sober’.  If not, he will be released – allowed back into the life of nothing that he has chosen.  I can not, and will not, save him. 

It will hurt like no other – but it will come down to an ultimatium.  It’s me or him.  I can no longer watch the pain it causes, I can no longer feel the tension in the air, I can no longer deal with the denial of the problem.  He is my only brother…but this is not the brother that I had.  This is not the brother that I want.  This is not the brother that I will accept. 

Enough…is enough…

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