something I have never been — since I was in my pre-teen years. Growing up a tom-boy that liked to play in the mud, rough house with the boys on the street, play basketball on asphalt with no knee pads (something my mother every so often will bring up — she was always so exsaporated by the fact that I didn’t care if my knees were skinned and scarred). Being a ‘girl’ always seemed to get in the way for me…I hated dressing up, I had no interest in make up or clothes. It wasn’t uncommon for my mom to have to pin girly hats to my head so I coudn’t get them off.
As i’m starting to get closer to my mid-thirties (okay, so I’m turning 32 this year…but still…) and as I’m taking more of an interest in my body — the image of my body is now starting to really stand out at me.
My mother is very top heavy for her frame size…I’m not kidding, they are pretty damn big. So naturally, of course…yours truly is ‘blessed’ with a considerable size ‘rack’ — however, there is nothing that is blessing like about them. They are in the way, they limit the type of style of shirts I can wear (don’t even talk to me about button ups…practically impossible), they aren’t surgically enchanced so they don’t sit properly if you know what I mean…not something that is desirable.
being comfortable in my own skin…something I am not still
I get it that during your pre-teen and teenage years your body is always change (insert shudder of the conversation with the parents about “I know your body is changing”…sssshhhhuuuudddderrrr) and that the worse thing for you during that time is to be different. To mature too quickly draws too much attention from the boys — maturing too slowly draws the attention of those same boys when they are done oogling over those that have already matured. Girls are even harder to be around during this time too — jealous of your features either way!
But when do you finally become comfortable with your own skin? When does the concern over how your legs look, how your tummy is or isn’t flat, how thick and pretty your hair is? Is it one morning you wake up and voila — you have come to terms with “self, this is what I look like…and I’m going to like it”??
I have never had this morning – I have never said to myself successfully “I look and feel awesome” and actually meant it. Going to an all-girl high school you would think would help that — in my case, it made it worse. I cared even LESS about my hair, my clothes (I wore a uniform from Kindergarten until my Senior Year in high school), makeup, shoes, jewelry — you name it. I was (and still am) the worst ‘girl’ ever.
I have some wonderful friends that are brutally honest and I am sure are willing to help me become more of a ‘girl’ — but can they give me the confidence to be —
Comfortable in my own skin…